Monday, April 26, 2010


Jean-Jacques Rousseau once wrote in a letter: "Learn my dictionary, my good friend, if you want to have us understand each other. Believe me, my terms rarely have the ordinary sense."

Throughout history, great thinkers and leaders almost invariably develop their own idiomatic and peculiar ways of conversing. Essentially, they develop their own languages. Words acquire new definitions when these historical giants use them. "Worker" takes on a new meaning when uttered by Karl Marx. "Peace" meant something different to Woodrow Wilson than it did to Kaiser Wilhelm. Thomas Paine's usage of the word "liberty" is stronger than almost anyone else's.

Barack too, has his own definitions for the words he chooses to use. And here I'll humbly attempt to catalog some of them. Although admittedly, I am insufficiently intelligent to truly understand the Barackish language. And so I apologize for my omissions and potential errors. Without further preamble, the meaning of certain terms, according to Barack:

Bipartisanship (noun): when Republicans agree with my policies, and I get to do whatever I want to do

Partisan politics (noun): when Republicans disagree with my policies, and I don't get to do whatever I want to do. I have to debate things :-(

Unity (noun): when everyone in Washington follows my lead

Vitriolic (adj): the manner by which anyone who disagrees with me expresses that disagreement

Look... (verb, used at the beginning of sentences as a command): a warning that I'm about to tell you something you were too stupid to previously know. Example: "Look. You know, what we've done has been successful throughout. I mean, it's not like I've been winning in states that only have either black voters or Chablis-drinking, you know, limousine liberals. I mean, we've been winning in places like Idaho. We've been winning in places like Colorado."

China (noun): an ATM

Town Hall (noun):
1. Before healthcare reform rabble: a forum for the Democrats and I to listen to concerned citizens voice their opinions about healthcare reform.
2. After healthcare reform rabble: an opportunity to paint all conservatives as ignorant and/or racist.

Racist (noun): a Tea Party member

Reform (noun): Always a good thing so long as it's my kind of reform

George W. Bush (noun): The cause of all your problems, and all the debt we're in

This one's my favorite...

Debt (noun): A way to get out of debt

Iraq (noun): A remote corner of the world where we once sent soldiers to fight for obscure, abstract, and wholly unattainable goals. But that was wrong.

Afghanistan (noun): A remote corner of the world where we still send soldiers to fight for obscure, abstract, and wholly unattainable goals. But this is right.

Surge (verb/noun): To increase the amount of US soldiers in a foreign country's war, a good way to seem tough on America's enemies while also winning the Nobel Peace Prize because "surge" sounds better than "escalation"

US soldier's casket (noun): Photo op

Gay rights (noun): The right to file joint tax returns, or visit a partner in a hospital (mention that a lot), but NOT to get married (avoid mentioning that)

Smoking (noun): an activity I may or may not still do

Public support (noun): A nice thing to have, but not necessary when signing massive legislation like healthcare reform

Wall Street (noun): where evil and greed originate, where greedy bankers want to get paid tons of money for their easy, white-collar work

Main Street (noun): where wholesomeness and kindness originate, where non-greedy people want something for nothing, and they deserve it!

Journalist (noun): Someone who works in the media and also agrees with me

Non-journalist (noun): Fox News, or anyone else that dare questions my glory

Franklin D. Roosevelt (noun): God

Hope (noun): something I give everyday to the American people, whether they want it or not

Sanctions (noun): a strategy that almost always works to curb the threat posed by maniacal despotic states

Nuclear Security Summit (noun): what will win me Nobel Prize #2 because we talked a great deal about talking

Economy (noun): something the Government should control

Your life (noun): something people should control, unless they disagree with me, which more and more people seem to be doing. But in the event of disagreement, the Government should control this.


Anonymous said...

End racism - (verb) Obama wants to get rid of racism in this country, yet gives a speech in that past couple days where he says to Democrats, "it will be up to you to make sure that the young people, African-Americans, Latinos, and women who powered our victory in 2008 stand together once again."

Can you imagine a Republican saying, "it will be up to you to make sure that the old people, Whites, Jews, and women who powered our victory in 2008 stand together once again"?

Johnny D said...


John McCain: Devil

Nancy Pelosi: Smart

Harry Reid: No longer useful, thus forgoted